two parts of me.

You never realize how hard it is to put the pieces back together until you finally sit down with a hot glue gun and realize that the pieces are scattered. That there are so many you will never see again. All that time spent shattering and not enough spent collecting, not enough spent realizing you were breaking. With every chip came a broken smile implemented to cover up the pain and up until this very instant you had successfully deceived yourself into thinking everything was ok. Now what? Want to put yourself back together but you just don’t know how. I want to put myself back together but I just don’t know how.

I can’t be your friend—not now and not for a while. My desire to see you is burning a hole in my chest but I don’t know how to be around you without laying my world at your feet. That’s my vulnerability, my biggest down fall. I live behind a stone wall that at times I can’t even penetrate myself. And with that protection comes a certain kind of sacrifice… one that almost seems inconsequential considering the fact that when I let someone in I don’t simply unlock the door. There is no door and there is no lock… there is only a sledgehammer. And when I surrender myself to uncertainty, the whole wall is gone. There is a wall no longer. There is only my heart and my world, laid barren at your feet. So no, I don’t take to breaking this wall too often. I’m free and I’m safe but I’m alone. Slowly chipping away at the rock, hoping it won’t be long.

i wish i could do better by... you could stand by what you deserve.

the thing is, i'm listening to an amazing song. no exaggeration intended, whatsoever. but at the same time this song is idealistic to the core. it speaks about a girl that needs nothing but a boy's love and a boy that is willing to give just that with all of his might... and even write a song about it. she deserves the best and he's willing to give it to her? i'm sorry to burst your bubble... but not in isla vista. you want someone to care about you? call your mommy. (it's worked for me and made me feel so much better). but really, no one here is looking for someone to care about.

just someone to feel up for a moment.

deal with it or move on. trust, you have options. <3

today i realized humans have the ability get over anything.

when a glass breaks, the bigger the glass and the harder the impact, the smaller the pieces are.

i got around to picking up all the big pieces eventually but no matter how hard i try, i know there will always be tiny fragments left behind. i learned to walk on eggshells around these pieces, luckily not for the rest of my life but until i successfully avoided them enough to completely forget they were even there. i managed to move on and walked around freely when one day i stepped on one of these pieces. as it made its way into my flesh i realized this little piece of glass, even after all this time that had passed, was making me bleed and hurt as much as the breaking of the glass had hurt in the first place. but that's life. i can't avoid these fragments forever because the glass, at one point, was a part of my life. a significant part of my life that although gone will remain a part of me forever. no matter how hard i try, it is impossible to completely remove all of the debris.

so, i'm going to accept it. i'm not going to get mad at myself for being weak... i'm going to embrace the fact that i was able to clean up the big mess, as hard as it had been. i'm bound to step on the fragments, lots of times they're impossible to see... i don't step on them on purpose or because it's fair and i don't deserve better. i step on them because i'm human. and sometimes it's nice to remember those breakdowns that made me who i am. and brought me to where i have come.