revised.

"i've made up my mind, don't need to think it over. if i'm wrong.. i am right, don't need to look no further."

"if i tell the world i'll never say enough kuz it was not said to you and that's exactly what i need to do. if i end up with you..."

-but what if?
=it isn't
-yeah, i know. but what if?
=it isn't. and that's all that matters. you're living in a what if world.
-i know, but come on... what if?
=it doesn't matter.

"would it be a waste... even if i knew my place. should i leave it there?"

i justify a lot of the things i do by downplaying the significance of whatever it is i am about to do. if i shouldn't have one more cookie i think "it's just one cookie". if i want to skip my workout for the day i say "well it's just one day and i'm tired". if i want to buy something i shouldn't i think "well it's just this one time". but what those justifications lead to is a habit. that cookie turns into 10 more each day. that skipped work out soon becomes nonexistent. and that one time turns into me spending all the time and stressing about money later. when i let my self do things i know i shouldn't, and this goes beyond the cookies and workouts, i subconsciously send myself the message that it's okay to do everything i'm doing even if i am hurting myself. it sort of becomes self destructive... normalizing things that should not be normal. things that i should be weary about and stay away from. and not only do i hurt myself when i perform these actions but after i'm left to think about the things i've done and grow to resent myself for behaving the way i've allowed myself to. it's a lose lose situation that i get myself into to give into a little self gratification that usually only lasts until i finish all the cookies in the pack or watch tv instead of going on a run. it's a hard habit to break out of when i'm so stubborn. when i want something my justifications just make so much sense.

"all you need is love"... not just the kind of love you give and receive from others but the love you have to give yourself. you need to learn to depend on yourself, like you depend on oxygen. unlike other people, who are oftentimes fickle, you will always be there for yourself. make them your oxygen and next thing you know you're left alone to suffocate... it gives a new meaning to the saying 'you take my breath away'.


death is as common and accessible as dirt. true love on the other hand is a rare diamond... one that does not come buffed and shined. one that does not come around too often if even at all. and the truest love of all can only be experienced and shared once you've accepted that you must first give it to yourself.


cheesy cheesy lalala but i believe it's real.

can't make//if won't

i have no idea what i want. or how i feel. or any idea of anything for that matter. the one thing i'm sure of and the one thing i know i feel and the one thing i know i want isn't right.


you stripped down my walls and i unwittingly let them fall. unaware because i hid in your comfort. now that you're gone, i'm bare. i guess it's time to start rebuilding.

catch 22.

the most difficult aspect of life, for me at least, is accepting how fickle the human heart can be; how time can diminish even the strongest of bonds. it's hard for me to be okay with not only the way people can be but the things i myself am capable of. on a side note and probably contradictory to the things i just wrote is that i hate how we feel compelled to take everything so seriously. not only at the heat of the moment but even after we have had a chance to cool off. people were made to, by nature, be overly emotional and at the same time find melodramatics completely unattractive. it's one contradiction stacked on top of another. which comes into play when we meet someone new or we start dating or fall in love or whatever it might be... we hide the way we truly feel and ignore our instincts because any normal person would find all that stuff completely unattractive. but why, when they feel it themselves? it makes no sense. if you've ever heard a guy say, "she was totally cool at first and then turned psycho..." which i'm sure everyone has, then take a second to try and understand what the problem is... are all girls just psycho? or are people just incapable of being attracted to the way people sometimes can feel, and the way they act... have we not all been there before? you ever laid awake thinking about someone and how silly it was but been completely powerless to stop it? so when does compassion and understanding kick in? we certainly justify, or try to, all of our own thoughts and emotions and fears and actions but what happens when the shoe is on the other foot? we freak out. so we try to put up a front so we won't freak anybody else out although we all, for the most part, experience the same emotions. who decided life needs all these rules and whatever happened to just plain honesty? does it ever really exist in its purest form? if you're too afraid to put all your cards out on the table is it because you're scared that there won't be any mystery and therefore no more attraction? or are you afraid that if everyone knew your hand no one would stay in the game? hah, i'm going to go with the second of the two. it is a lose, lose situation either way. but i guess sometime in your life you're bound to find that one person you can be yourself with. tell them exactly what you're thinking, kiss them however many times you want, be as near or as far away as you feel the need to be and still have them be completely and irrevocably in love with you... everyone just has to be patient because apparently time is the cure-all to everything life has to throw your way. yeah, time... the one thing no one can control.

so i haven't really written anything in a while. here nor in my diary or anywhere else for that matter other than the text input area on my iphone. pretty lame.

anyway summer's interesting. maybe a little too lazy for my liking. but as soon as i get back to school i'll probably be yearning for it.

wow and i'm tired of writing already. goodnight.

standing atop of the world
the city never shone brighter
its intensity grew
the further and further i got;
completely independent from the distance,
i realized time made all the difference.

the tightening of my muscles
and the wariness of my eyes,
from being in the city
to the emotions it inspired
to the sights
the wonders
the potholes and picket fences
to the typical blue shutters;

it transgressed from a simple location
into something that could never be done justice
even with lengthy descriptions of every crack in every side walk
of every bird that chirped
or of each individual ray of sun that struck the ground

...and i was floating further and further
with every second that passed
and instead of becoming smaller
everything expanded into something unimaginable

in all honesty

maybe we're all fish.
like fish of the land. and once in a while we return to the beauty of our home in the ocean. we become part of the wonder. part of the danger. the force. the undeniable freedom and pain. all at once.. we're everything at once. we float. we rise we fall. we go over. we're pulled back down. there's shortness of breath. there's fear. there's wonder and amazement. so we push even further. and everything's serene. we plant our feet in the sand one second and the next we allow our bodies to be carried away. and it's so hard to get out because it's so hard to get in. we all make our way to shore eventually. to walk on land and find someone to swim with.


<3333

song

"should i give up? or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere..."

well it's a beautiful walk
and at some point or another
you'll get a chance to stop and
smell the roses

stupid post

Who knows if anyone is ever really honest? Personally, I go with the more cynical route. The one that accepts the fact that everyone is dishonest and shady and that love is not eternal and that things fall apart. However, simply because I accept that as my reality does not make me okay with it. Instead it makes me paranoid and untrusting. Who likes being edgy and insecure? Not me for sure. But what choice does that leave me with? The one in which I am alone. Not alone in terms of whom I am surrounded by but alone in that I will never truly let someone into my heart completely.

chils fear excitement

joy amazement anxiousness wonder

e) all of the above



MAKE IT HAP`N` CAP`IN

paradox

does it matter

really?

it's like a complex metaphor
in which you are my sun rays and warmth
and i am some sort of being that is only satisfied
at sun rise
but in this metaphor i prefer the sun not come out
instead i would very much like if it just stayed away
to let me frolic in the darkness and learn to love
to swim amongst the shadows of my past and the
colors of my future
so sure there is not immediate gratification
and frowns aren't turned upside down in an instant
but surely i will get a lot more done this way

maybe just for a second . if i could just get it just right .

so you say your thorns are suppose to keep me from picking you?
who is to say that you were not made to be picked?
oh, so death would be an eminent result were i to follow my instinct?
can i not then pick you and nurse you for a while?
what good is your beauty if i cannot wake up to it? next to me? by my side?
and you say the point is just to stop and smell you?
appreciate your wonder?
oh and it won't last?
but who really is to say?
well then can i at least take a picture? carry it in my left pocket?
perhaps i'll keep it in a locket and drape it around my neck.
heavens knows trying to recall your exquisiteness would keep me awake hours through the night.
but i believe i do need sleep because since you won't let me keep you,
i must hold on to the hope that i might see you in my dreams once i close my eyes.
if you would only lend me your smile?
perhaps just for tonight?
oh it must get cold here, does it not?
perhaps i could lend you my warmth? maybe if you would allow it?
oh but the allure would be gone then you say?
but would you not let me try? at least just for tonight?
maybe i could stay here until i'm sure i have your memory just right?
camp out amidst the twilight?
oh no just not possible? but why ever not?
no i don't believe it's true. if i could just...
if i could just hold... perhaps just hold this moment if you would allow it?
not so much as to explain it.
perhaps more as validation. you see i never believed in this sort of thing before.
and if i could just... maybe hold this moment past tonight?
carry it in my left pocket?
perhaps keep it in a locket and drape it around my neck.
and perhaps keep it open and relive it every second of my life.
if i could just... maybe just for tonight?
you see i'm scared this is as good as it gets.
well i've been walking around for a while and i've still got mile after mile...
but none of it has ever been so delicate,
so quite inexplicable.
so maybe, if you were to let me rest my head by your side,
perhaps just for tonight?
well you see i've quite enjoyed the ride
but my pockets are empty and i'm too tired to run.
i was just so impatient to reach the rays of light emanating from the sun.
but when i came
and almost went
all in a flash
there came from you a different pull
i knew this just couldn't be the same
even with all the years i spent
crash after crash.
oh yes? if that is what it will take.
just to believe your promise that my heart will indeed break?
i don't know who is to say.
but if there is an end
then there will be a beginning
and there will be moments in between
and if you could just let me hold them...
perhaps put them in my left pocket?
carry them in a locket and drape them around my neck.
perhaps keep them open and relieve every breath.
that sort of thing just is not possible you say?
but maybe if i could just... just hold you forever?
maybe hold you forever just for tonight?
you see i never believed in this sort of thing before.
it's just so right.

lameness &over-analyzation

weird post i guess .
so inside my head, it's like looking around and everything is fabulous. but, if you look close enough, there might be a crack. and that crack is the most annoying thing. and when the sun is up just right, it isn't covered by a shadow but illuminated by the day light.
i just need something separate. like something that belongs to just me even if not entirely. not something like school, or a job, or the computer, or facebook... something fun. [:

it's wednesday

as much as i like to bitch and moan about the horrors and tragedies of the world, i have to admit, it's quite inspiring.

you view a film on suffering in africa and amidst all the tragedy your eyes are trying to process you realize that these people still have the power to smile, laugh even. and in this small act, the immensity that is the human spirit is luminous behind the dark walls of their suffering. and for a second it's hard not to think "this world can't be that bad".

even if one believes that he has had the worst life, EVER, he has to admit that there has been a moment in that life, when he was happy. and that moment, however rare, almost makes everything okay. almost makes everything serene. almost makes life even and fair. just the fact that feelings like those he has once felt, feelings of elation, love, joy, harmony... it's, well, a blissful thing. it's not always sunny. but on those days that the sun shines the perfect amount, it is irrefutable that the world and life are sometimes enough to make someone happy.

and yes, i'll use a word as simple as HAPPY... because sometimes, what more do you need?