two parts of me.

You never realize how hard it is to put the pieces back together until you finally sit down with a hot glue gun and realize that the pieces are scattered. That there are so many you will never see again. All that time spent shattering and not enough spent collecting, not enough spent realizing you were breaking. With every chip came a broken smile implemented to cover up the pain and up until this very instant you had successfully deceived yourself into thinking everything was ok. Now what? Want to put yourself back together but you just don’t know how. I want to put myself back together but I just don’t know how.

I can’t be your friend—not now and not for a while. My desire to see you is burning a hole in my chest but I don’t know how to be around you without laying my world at your feet. That’s my vulnerability, my biggest down fall. I live behind a stone wall that at times I can’t even penetrate myself. And with that protection comes a certain kind of sacrifice… one that almost seems inconsequential considering the fact that when I let someone in I don’t simply unlock the door. There is no door and there is no lock… there is only a sledgehammer. And when I surrender myself to uncertainty, the whole wall is gone. There is a wall no longer. There is only my heart and my world, laid barren at your feet. So no, I don’t take to breaking this wall too often. I’m free and I’m safe but I’m alone. Slowly chipping away at the rock, hoping it won’t be long.

i wish i could do better by... you could stand by what you deserve.

the thing is, i'm listening to an amazing song. no exaggeration intended, whatsoever. but at the same time this song is idealistic to the core. it speaks about a girl that needs nothing but a boy's love and a boy that is willing to give just that with all of his might... and even write a song about it. she deserves the best and he's willing to give it to her? i'm sorry to burst your bubble... but not in isla vista. you want someone to care about you? call your mommy. (it's worked for me and made me feel so much better). but really, no one here is looking for someone to care about.

just someone to feel up for a moment.

deal with it or move on. trust, you have options. <3

today i realized humans have the ability get over anything.

when a glass breaks, the bigger the glass and the harder the impact, the smaller the pieces are.

i got around to picking up all the big pieces eventually but no matter how hard i try, i know there will always be tiny fragments left behind. i learned to walk on eggshells around these pieces, luckily not for the rest of my life but until i successfully avoided them enough to completely forget they were even there. i managed to move on and walked around freely when one day i stepped on one of these pieces. as it made its way into my flesh i realized this little piece of glass, even after all this time that had passed, was making me bleed and hurt as much as the breaking of the glass had hurt in the first place. but that's life. i can't avoid these fragments forever because the glass, at one point, was a part of my life. a significant part of my life that although gone will remain a part of me forever. no matter how hard i try, it is impossible to completely remove all of the debris.

so, i'm going to accept it. i'm not going to get mad at myself for being weak... i'm going to embrace the fact that i was able to clean up the big mess, as hard as it had been. i'm bound to step on the fragments, lots of times they're impossible to see... i don't step on them on purpose or because it's fair and i don't deserve better. i step on them because i'm human. and sometimes it's nice to remember those breakdowns that made me who i am. and brought me to where i have come.

revised.

"i've made up my mind, don't need to think it over. if i'm wrong.. i am right, don't need to look no further."

"if i tell the world i'll never say enough kuz it was not said to you and that's exactly what i need to do. if i end up with you..."

-but what if?
=it isn't
-yeah, i know. but what if?
=it isn't. and that's all that matters. you're living in a what if world.
-i know, but come on... what if?
=it doesn't matter.

"would it be a waste... even if i knew my place. should i leave it there?"

i justify a lot of the things i do by downplaying the significance of whatever it is i am about to do. if i shouldn't have one more cookie i think "it's just one cookie". if i want to skip my workout for the day i say "well it's just one day and i'm tired". if i want to buy something i shouldn't i think "well it's just this one time". but what those justifications lead to is a habit. that cookie turns into 10 more each day. that skipped work out soon becomes nonexistent. and that one time turns into me spending all the time and stressing about money later. when i let my self do things i know i shouldn't, and this goes beyond the cookies and workouts, i subconsciously send myself the message that it's okay to do everything i'm doing even if i am hurting myself. it sort of becomes self destructive... normalizing things that should not be normal. things that i should be weary about and stay away from. and not only do i hurt myself when i perform these actions but after i'm left to think about the things i've done and grow to resent myself for behaving the way i've allowed myself to. it's a lose lose situation that i get myself into to give into a little self gratification that usually only lasts until i finish all the cookies in the pack or watch tv instead of going on a run. it's a hard habit to break out of when i'm so stubborn. when i want something my justifications just make so much sense.

"all you need is love"... not just the kind of love you give and receive from others but the love you have to give yourself. you need to learn to depend on yourself, like you depend on oxygen. unlike other people, who are oftentimes fickle, you will always be there for yourself. make them your oxygen and next thing you know you're left alone to suffocate... it gives a new meaning to the saying 'you take my breath away'.


death is as common and accessible as dirt. true love on the other hand is a rare diamond... one that does not come buffed and shined. one that does not come around too often if even at all. and the truest love of all can only be experienced and shared once you've accepted that you must first give it to yourself.


cheesy cheesy lalala but i believe it's real.

can't make//if won't

i have no idea what i want. or how i feel. or any idea of anything for that matter. the one thing i'm sure of and the one thing i know i feel and the one thing i know i want isn't right.


you stripped down my walls and i unwittingly let them fall. unaware because i hid in your comfort. now that you're gone, i'm bare. i guess it's time to start rebuilding.

catch 22.

the most difficult aspect of life, for me at least, is accepting how fickle the human heart can be; how time can diminish even the strongest of bonds. it's hard for me to be okay with not only the way people can be but the things i myself am capable of. on a side note and probably contradictory to the things i just wrote is that i hate how we feel compelled to take everything so seriously. not only at the heat of the moment but even after we have had a chance to cool off. people were made to, by nature, be overly emotional and at the same time find melodramatics completely unattractive. it's one contradiction stacked on top of another. which comes into play when we meet someone new or we start dating or fall in love or whatever it might be... we hide the way we truly feel and ignore our instincts because any normal person would find all that stuff completely unattractive. but why, when they feel it themselves? it makes no sense. if you've ever heard a guy say, "she was totally cool at first and then turned psycho..." which i'm sure everyone has, then take a second to try and understand what the problem is... are all girls just psycho? or are people just incapable of being attracted to the way people sometimes can feel, and the way they act... have we not all been there before? you ever laid awake thinking about someone and how silly it was but been completely powerless to stop it? so when does compassion and understanding kick in? we certainly justify, or try to, all of our own thoughts and emotions and fears and actions but what happens when the shoe is on the other foot? we freak out. so we try to put up a front so we won't freak anybody else out although we all, for the most part, experience the same emotions. who decided life needs all these rules and whatever happened to just plain honesty? does it ever really exist in its purest form? if you're too afraid to put all your cards out on the table is it because you're scared that there won't be any mystery and therefore no more attraction? or are you afraid that if everyone knew your hand no one would stay in the game? hah, i'm going to go with the second of the two. it is a lose, lose situation either way. but i guess sometime in your life you're bound to find that one person you can be yourself with. tell them exactly what you're thinking, kiss them however many times you want, be as near or as far away as you feel the need to be and still have them be completely and irrevocably in love with you... everyone just has to be patient because apparently time is the cure-all to everything life has to throw your way. yeah, time... the one thing no one can control.